This year we celebrate the 40th anniversary of the film classic “Young Frankenstein.” With Halloween shambling toward us, here’s a brief bio of that famous and infamous monster:
Dr. Victor Frankenstein was the world’s first body builder. He created his monster because he liked to make new friends. For his ground-breaking work, he was awarded a Nobel Pieces Prize.
Victor Frankenstein employed a band of headhunters to gather body parts to make monsters. They would chop up corpses and place the pieces in boxes with the label “Some Assembly Required.” That way the doctor had his work cut out for him and never had an out-of-bodies experience.
Doc Frankenstein had half a mind to make his monster with nothing inside his head, but that would have been a no-brainer. Instead, Victor Frankenstein picked his monster’s brain because he liked to change people’s minds and give them piece of mind. So, using a dead bolt, he made sure that his creation had a good head on his shoulders.
We know that the monster had a good head on his shoulders because he always rooted for the San Diego Chargers. He went nuts about our screwy Bolts.
Despite his evil reputation, Dr. Frankenstein actually had a good sense of humor. He always kept his monster in stitches because he believed that “a stitch in slime saves Stein.” When Frankenstein’s monster asked the doctor if he could sew himself up, the mad scientist replied, “Sure, suture self!” That made the monster knit his brow.
When Frankenstein’s monster was struck by lightning, it was like a bolt from the blue. The fiend screamed, “Aw shocks! I get such a charge out this! It’s just watt I need! I’m a live wire!” When the brute rose from the table and spat on the ground, the proud doctor exclaimed, “It’s saliva! It’s saliva!” That was an electrifying moment — when the monster met his maker.
Frankenstein’s monster had a tough time in junior high school. Dr. Frankenstein often had to write excuse notes to the principal stating, “My homework ate the dog!” The monster’s classmates teased him about his green complexion and dorky wardrobe. They told him that he looked like death warmed over.
Whenever Frankenstein’s monster sent his photo to a lonely hearts club, they wrote back and said, sorry, nobody here is that lonely! Whenever a girl ghoul was attracted to the fiend, he developed a crush on her and gave her a choker. When she became his main squeeze, that was the end of her. He was a real lady-killer.
Old Zipperneck had his heart in the right place. He took his ghoul friend out for a frank ‘n’ stein. He just couldn’t resistor. He told her, “Frank-ly, I love you a whole watt! You’ve stolen my heart! I’m Igor to go out with you! Please be my valenstein!” He also dated a lady scarecrow, but she was his last straw, and he went from rags to witches.
The monster kept hoping that he had a mummy and deady, but he was never able to dig them up. So he developed an identity crisis and went to a psychiatrist to see if he had a screw loose and if his head wasn’t screwed on right. “I’m at loose ends. I’m coming apart at the seams. I’m like two curtains and need to pull myself together!” he complained to the shrink. “I seem to be going around in circles.”
Said the doctor, “That’s because somebody has nailed your foot to the floor!”
When the villagers pursued Frankenstein’s monster, he shrieked at them, “Do you want a piece of me?” Ultimately, the townspeople came to love the freak. In fact, they were all choked up. To a man, they carried a torch for him.
When the monster was finally buried, his tombstone read, “Rest in Pieces.”
Please send your questions and comments about language to richard.lederer@utsandiego.com