Mothers are so proud of their children, even when they’re the mothers of monsters. One monster mother said to another one, “You have the ugliest baby I have ever seen!” The second monster mother replied, “Thank you very much!”
With Mother’s Day coming up tomorrow, I share with you the motherly advice that monster moms pass on to their monster kids:
Cyclops moms:
• “Don’t ever read in dim light. It will strain your eye.”
• “Always carry your Visine with you. Otherwise, you’ll be a total eyesore.”
• “Don’t pretend to be a pirate. When you put the eye patch on, you won’t be able to see anything.”
• “NEVER play with a unicorn. That’s just an accident waiting to happen!”
Ghost moms:
• “Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”
• “Children should be heard but not seen.”
• “Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.”
• “Before going out, be sure to put your boos and shocks on.”
• “Eat your food without goblin it.”
• “Don’t play with mummies. They’ll tear up your sheet and use it for clothing!”
• “If you don’t obey me, you’ll have to ghost stand in the corner — in the living room!”
Ghoul moms:
• “Don’t be late for dinner, or everyone will already be eaten.”
• “Never eat people on an empty stomach. Always eat people on a plate.”
• “Never eat people with your fingers. Your fingers should be eaten separately.”
• “Whenever you want to have friends over for dinner, we’ll be delighted to serve them.”
• “Remember: A ghoul and his mummy are soon parted” and demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
• “If you disobey me, it will be over my dead body! I’ll ground you — very deeply! And if that doesn’t work, I’ll send you to deform school!”
Vampire moms:
• “Always be scareful. Before flew season, make sure you get a blood shot.”
• “Whatever else you do, NEVER run with a wooden stake in your hands.”
• “Drink your soup before it clots.”
• “Always bite the hand that feeds you.”
• “When somebody gives you a compliment, always say, ‘Fang you!’”
• “Stop opening the cans of tomato juice with your fangs and sucking all the jelly donuts dry.”
• “Study hard for your blood tests at night school, or you’ll never graduate Phi Bat-a Cape-a.”
• “Don’t cry over spilled blood.”
• “Don’t act like a spoiled bat and drive me batty! You’ll be the death of me!”
Werewolf moms:
• “Always be polite. When you meet a human being, say, ‘Pleased to eat you.’”
• “Don’t speak with your mouth full of people.”
• “Don’t wolf your meals. Play with your food before you eat it.”
• “Be sure to eat a lot of sheep. That way, you can floss and dine at the same time.”
• “Don’t go to the zoo when there’s a full moon. They might not let you out.”
• “When you go to bed, be sure that the jackal lantern night light stays on.”
• “Don’t use the toilet as a punch bowl.”
Witch moms:
• “Study hard for your hexaminations, especially in spelling.”
• “Please don’t ask for the keys to the broom more than once a week.”
• “Don’t be a road hag. If you make the broom go too fast, you’ll fly off the handle!”