Welcome to the website woven for wordaholics, logolepts, and verbivores. Carnivores eat meat; herbivores eat plants and vegetables; verbivores devour words. If you are heels over head (as well as head over heels) in love with words, tarry here a while to graze or, perhaps, feast on the English language. Ours is the only language in which you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway and your nose can run and your feet can smell.


Mothers are so proud of their children, even when they’re the mothers of little monsters. One monster mother said to another one, “You have the ugliest baby I have ever seen!” The second monster mother replied, “Thank you very much!”

To celebrate Mother’s Day, I share with you, alphabetically, the motherly advice that monster moms pass on to their little monsters.

Ghost moms:

• “Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”

• “Children should be heard but not seen.”

• “Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.”

• “Before going out, be sure to put your boos and shocks on.”

• “Remember to say, ‘How do you boo, sir or madam.’”

• “Don’t play with mummies. They’ll tear up your sheet.”

• “If you don’t obey me, you’ll have to ghost stand in the corner — in the living room!”

Skeleton moms:

• “Drink at least 10 glasses of milk a day. It’s good for your bones.”

• “In winter, wear a warm coat, or the cold will go right through you.”

• “Never play with werewolves. They’re just after your bones!”

• “Listen to what I tell you! I work my fingers to the bone for you!”

Vampire moms:

• “Whatever else you do, NEVER run with a wooden stake in your hands!”

• “When somebody gives you a compliment, always say, ‘Fang you!’”

• “Stop opening the can of tomato juice with your fangs and sucking all the jelly out of the jelly doughnuts.”

• “Study hard for your blood tests at night school, or you’ll never graduate Phi Bat-a Cape-a.”

• “Don’t act like a spoiled bat and drive me batty!”

Werewolf moms:

• “Don’t speak with your mouth full of people.”

• “Don’t wolf your meals. Play with your food before you eat it.”

• “Be sure to tell me if you get a stomachache. It could be someone you ate.”

• “Be sure to eat a lot of sheep. That way, you can floss and dine at the same time.”

• “Don’t go to the zoo when there’s a full moon. They might not let you out.”

• “Stop using the toilet as a punch bowl.”

Zombie moms:

• “Don’t bite off more human flesh than you can chew.”

• “Never eat people with your fingers. Your fingers should be eaten separately.”

• “When the waiter asks if you want a French, Russian, or Italian dressing on your salad, ask for all three of those people.”

• “Whenever you want to have friends over for dinner, I’ll be delighted to serve them.”

• “Do what I tell you, or you’ll be the death of me and end up in deform school!”


Please send your questions and comments about language to richard.lederer@utsandiego.com