Mothers are so proud of their children, even when they’re the mothers of little monsters. One monster mother said to another one, “You have the ugliest baby I have ever seen!” The second monster mother replied, “Thank you very much!”
To celebrate Mother’s Day, I share with you, alphabetically, the motherly advice that monster moms pass on to their little monsters.
Ghost moms:
• “Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”
• “Children should be heard but not seen.”
• “Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.”
• “Before going out, be sure to put your boos and shocks on.”
• “Remember to say, ‘How do you boo, sir or madam.’”
• “Don’t play with mummies. They’ll tear up your sheet.”
• “If you don’t obey me, you’ll have to ghost stand in the corner — in the living room!”
Skeleton moms:
• “Drink at least 10 glasses of milk a day. It’s good for your bones.”
• “In winter, wear a warm coat, or the cold will go right through you.”
• “Never play with werewolves. They’re just after your bones!”
• “Listen to what I tell you! I work my fingers to the bone for you!”
Vampire moms:
• “Whatever else you do, NEVER run with a wooden stake in your hands!”
• “When somebody gives you a compliment, always say, ‘Fang you!’”
• “Stop opening the can of tomato juice with your fangs and sucking all the jelly out of the jelly doughnuts.”
• “Study hard for your blood tests at night school, or you’ll never graduate Phi Bat-a Cape-a.”
• “Don’t act like a spoiled bat and drive me batty!”
Werewolf moms:
• “Don’t speak with your mouth full of people.”
• “Don’t wolf your meals. Play with your food before you eat it.”
• “Be sure to tell me if you get a stomachache. It could be someone you ate.”
• “Be sure to eat a lot of sheep. That way, you can floss and dine at the same time.”
• “Don’t go to the zoo when there’s a full moon. They might not let you out.”
• “Stop using the toilet as a punch bowl.”
Zombie moms:
• “Don’t bite off more human flesh than you can chew.”
• “Never eat people with your fingers. Your fingers should be eaten separately.”
• “When the waiter asks if you want a French, Russian, or Italian dressing on your salad, ask for all three of those people.”
• “Whenever you want to have friends over for dinner, I’ll be delighted to serve them.”
• “Do what I tell you, or you’ll be the death of me and end up in deform school!”
Please send your questions and comments about language to richard.lederer@utsandiego.com