Read “Lederer on Language” every Saturday in the San Diego Union Tribune and on this site.
Welcome to the website woven for wordaholics, logolepts, and verbivores. Carnivores eat meat; herbivores eat plants and vegetables; verbivores devour words. If you are heels over head (as well as head over heels) in love with words, tarry here a while to graze or, perhaps, feast on the English language. Ours is the only language in which you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway and your nose can run and your feet can smell.

A few weeks ago, I presented a parade of real-life, verbally clever signs and placards that have adorned places of business around the world. I invited you, my punderful readers, to wing me your own creations.

More than 125 entries poured in. Here are the three winners, each of whom will receive a signed copy of my book “Anguished English”:

  • shoe repair shop: Our sole goal is to heel the downtrodden; fruit stand: Have one berry peachy day! Better yet, have a pear; barbershop: Welcome! No discussing politics, religion or my anger management class. — William J. Pease, Rancho Bernardo
  • veterinarian: Let us treat your dog’s arf-ritis!; wedding chapel: ‘Yes’ today? Come back to marry; cobbler: Repairs as shoe like it! We can heel your boots, make your flats look sharp and restore your soles. — Linda P. Hughes, Lakeside
  • department store cosmetics counter: We will help you brows; vacuum cleaner shop: Our products really suck; bank: Come in and meet a person of interest. — Carl Kruse, Poway

And honorable mention to all:

  • bakery: Donut taste the food. We are eclair about this so please donut walk away with a glazed look on your face; electric company: Get amped about our service. Watt you see is watt you get. boat show: We will wake you up and be stern about it, too! — Chad Griffith, Poway
  • grocery store: Customers are nuts about our peanut butter. We offer smooth checkouts so you won’t get caught in the crunch. vitamin store: The fish oil we carry will keep your arteries swimming with nutrients. Our pharmacists are well schooled. shoe store: Our insoles guarantee comfort, Satisfaction is guaranteed or we foot the bill. — Linda Gross, Carlsbad
  • mime’s office: No talking aloud; apartment rentals: Rooms without boarders; medical examiner: Remains of the day — Dave Van Cleve, Ramona
  • bakery: Our bread guarantees to please — it’s the yeast we can do; men’s locker room: Same-day loans to strapped jocks; bank: Our tellers will make cents of it all. — Steve Ledder, Fallbrook
  • septic truck: Your crap is our bread and butter; embroidery shop: It’s a crewel world; fish market: Come inside and get hooked! — Sue Linder, Serra Mesa
  • furniture store: If you’re off your rocker, maybe you need a new one; automobile restoration shop: Come in and see a bunch of old cranks; musical instrument store: Honk your horn if you need service. — Stanley Kling, Leucadia
  • hearing aids: Hear here. window treatment truck: This truck is driven by a blind man. — Ron Pollack, Encinitas
  • lifeguard tower: Beware the tides are harsh; tattoo parlor: Have an inkling for a tattoo? — Neil Proffitt, Oceanside
  • Shakespeare cafe: Order a hamlette like Romeo and Julie et; cheese store: Life without cheese is an empty crock. — Terry Miller, Escondido
  • bakery: Get your buns in here. — Edward J. Keyes, San Diego
  • golf course donut shop: With our donuts you always get a hole-in-one! — Michael Asmus
  • hemorrhoid clinic: Rear entrance for doctors only; hair transplant center: The more you get shafted here, the better you’ll look. — Joseph Puzo, Clairemont
  • mattress store: Shhhhhhh. Layaway sale; Mexican cafe: Be back in uno menudo. — John Betlejewski, San Diego
  • See’s candy store: Carpe the Yum; See’s the day! — Donald Sanelli, Ocean Hills
  • fast food truck specializing in stuffed pastries: Rapid Turnover — Sharon and Clayton Haven, San Diego
  • bar: We serve designated drinkers. — Seymour Glick, Rancho Bernardo
  • muffler shop: Our business is exhausting. — Ken Simon, Valley Center