Welcome to the website woven for wordaholics, logolepts, and verbivores. Carnivores eat meat; herbivores eat plants and vegetables; verbivores devour words. If you are heels over head (as well as head over heels) in love with words, tarry here a while to graze or, perhaps, feast on the English language. Ours is the only language in which you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway and your nose can run and your feet can smell.

This is the time of year when teachers send parents evaluations of their children’s academic and social progress. Here are some school reports about famous literary characters in their early years:

• The Hulk has been a star heavyweight on the school wrestling team, but his classmates tease him for his tattered clothing and green complexion. To such criticism he does not react constructively. We recommend that he attend an anger-management class.

• Frankie Stein’s antics in class keep us all in stitches, and many of his fellow students carry a torch for him. But, to be Frank, we are concerned that he may have a screw loose.

• Dracula can be a real pain in the neck and can get under our skin. At times, he acts like a spoiled bat and drives us batty. But the young count is a dedicated student. He stays up all night studying for his blood tests, and in mathematics class, his blood count is the highest. We predict that he will graduate Phi Batta Cape-a.

• The Mummy needs to learn to be more aware of the feelings of other pupils in the class. For now, he is too wrapped up in himself.

• Being tall, dark and hairy, King Kong thinks he has the girls in the palm of his hand. We wish he would break his habit of climbing up the school building.

• Darth Vader always wears gloomy Gothic clothing and looks on the dark side of things. His habitual smoking in the boys’ room is starting to affect his breathing and his voice.

• We may have to suspend Mary. She is quite contrary and keeps bringing that bleating lamb to school.

• Georgie Porgie must stop kissing the girls and making them cry. We would like to see him play more with the boys, but Georgie just runs away from them.

• The Big Bad Wolf is exhibiting anti-social tendencies. He has already blown two houses down and devoured at least one grandmother.

• Jack shows great nimbleness and quickness in Physical Education. He is especially good at jumping over candlesticks.

• Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, but his grades and deportment deteriorated in the winter and spring. His boredom in the classroom has him climbing the walls, and his behavior has us all walking on eggshells. We think that he may suffer from restless egg syndrome.

• Pinocchio exhibits a lot of passive-aggressive behavior. Sometimes he is everybody’s puppet. At other times, he sticks his big nose in everybody’s business.

• We wish Atlas would show more joy at school. He acts like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

• We are impressed that the Cyclops has found the en-cyclops-pedia to be a real eye opener, but he just doesn’t see eye to eye with his classmates. In fact, he causes us a lot of trouble for only one pupil.

• Narcissus appears to be too caught up in his own image. Yesterday he spent an hour staring at his reflection in the water in the boys’ room toilet.

• Sherlock Holmes earns high grades in all subjects requiring deductive reasoning. In fact, he seems to know what questions we will ask on a test before he actually sees the test. As a result, he tends to find school elementary.

• Cain does not play well with others and has turned out to be a discipline problem. We have been willing to overlook some of his aggressive tendencies, but killing one quarter of the Earth’s population goes beyond what we are able to tolerate.

• Joshua is doing well in the horn section of the school orchestra, but we can no longer tolerate his blowing down the walls.

• After numerous requests, Samson finally got his hair cut, but he has been failing Physical Education ever since, in part because of his fallen arches.

• David excels in singing and playing stringed instruments, but he has broken dozens of windows with his slingshot.

• Robinson Crusoe is to be commended for his dedication to completing his assignments. He always gets his homework done by Friday.

At 7:30 p.m. June 14, will present “The Joys and Oys of Language” in the Lyceum Space in Horton Plaza. Information: sdrep.org or (619) 544-1000.