Why do so many weddings take place in June? Go back centuries, and you will find that the Romans traditionally married in June to honor Juno, the goddess of marriage, and ensure an auspicious union.
I grew up reading in DC Comics about the valiant Amazonian warrior-princess-demigoddess-superheroine equipped with her Lasso of Truth and indestructible bracelets, sword and shield. In addition to being an inspiration to girls — and boys — Wonder Woman is the centerpiece of a pyrotechnic pun: If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes and then divorced him and married Henry Kissinger, she’d be (get ready to sing the punch line) Wonder Hughes Kissinger now!
Surprising results follow when the right people marry the right people. Here are some fanciful marriages joining together some of our favorite luminaries:
• If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.
• If Rosemary Decamp married William Kunstler, she’d be Rosemarie Decamp Kunstler.
• If Jo Ann Worley married Larry Bird, she’d be Jo Ann Worley Bird.
• If Isadora Duncan married Robert Donat, she’d be Isadora Duncan Donat.
• If Annette Bening married Lonzo Ball, she’d be Annette Ball.
• If Ilka Chase married David Seltzer, she’d be Ilka Seltzer.
• If Bella Abzug married Timothy Bottoms, she’d be Bella Bottoms.
• If Rose Kennedy married George Bush, she’d be Rose Bush.
• If Ellen Burstyn married Red Buttons, she’d be Ellen Burstyn Buttons.
• If J.K. Rowling married Oliver Stone, their children would be Rowling Stones.
• If Meryl Streep married Michael Dukakis, she’d be Meryl Streep Dukakis.
• If Wynn Everett married Claude Raines, she’d be Wynn Everett Raines.
• If Anita Ekberg married Neil Diamond and then divorced him and married Jack Nicklaus, she’d be Anita Diamond Nicklaus.
• If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito and then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
• If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness and then divorced him and married Herman Munster, she’d be Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
• If Karen Black married Chris Rock and then divorced him and married Kenneth Starr, she’d be Karen Black Rock Starr.
• If Sue Grafton married Aaron Burr and then divorced him and married Thomas Mann, she’d be Sue Burr Mann.
• If Phyllis George married Denzel Washington and then divorced him and married Raymond Carver, she’d be Phyllis George Washington Carver.
• If Bo Derek married Richard Nixon and then divorced him and married Clarence Darrow, she’d be Bo N. Darrow.
• If June Allyson married Stevie Wonder and then divorced him and married Edwin Land, she’d be June Allyson Wonder Land.
• If Olivia Wilde married Oscar Wilde and then divorced him and married Kanye West, she’d be Olivia Wilde Wilde West.
• If Judith Light married Jimmy Waite and then divorced him and married Joseph Cotton and then divorced him and married Richard Gere, she’d be Judith Light Waite Cotton Gere.
• If Crystal Gayle married Charlie Chan and then divorced him and married Michael Dell and then divorced him and married Norman Lear, she’d be Crystal Chan Dell Lear.
• If Tippi Hedron married Albert Camus and then divorced him and married Steven Tyler, she’d be Tippi Camus and Tyler, too.
• If Vicki Carr married Martin Mull and then divorced him and married James Caan and then divorced him and married Joey Dee, she’d be Vicki Carr Mull Caan Dee.
• If Gracie Allen married Count Basie and then divorced him and married William Macy and then divorced him and married Spencer Tracy and then divorced him and married Steve Lacy and then divorced him and married Kevin Spacey and then divorced him and married Ben Casey, she’d be Gracie Basie Macy Tracy Lacy Spacey Casey.
• If Ivana Trump married Mister Bean, then divorced him and married King Oscar of Norway, then divorced him and married Mike Myers, and then divorced him and married Anthony Wiener, she’d be Ivana Bean Oscar Myers Wiener!