Dear Mr. Lederer, You’re hilarious. Thanks so much for entertaining and educating us. Speaking of hilarious, one of my favorite characters is Mrs. Malaprop. Surely she’s one of yours, too.
— Valerie Swink, Encinitas
When people misuse words in an illiterate but humorous manner, we call the result a malapropism. The word echoes the name of Mrs. Malaprop (from the French mal a propos, “not appropriate”), a character who first strode the stage in 1775, 240 years ago, in Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s comedy “The Rivals.” Mrs. Malaprop was a garrulous “old weather-beaten she dragon” who took special pride in her use of the King’s English but who, all the same, unfailingly mangled big words: “Sure, if I reprehend anything in this world it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!” She meant, of course, that if she comprehended anything, it was a nice arrangement of epithets.
From “The Rivals,” here are some more of Mrs. M’s most malapropriate malapropisms:
• Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in account; — and as she grew up, I should have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries.
• She’s as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.
• Illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory.
• He’s the very pineapple of politeness.
The giddy ghost of Mrs. Malaprop continues to haunt the hallowed halls of language. Here are some authentic, certified, unretouched modern-day malapropisms. As Dave Barry, my fellow Haverford College alumnus would say, I’m not making these up:
• If you wish to submit a recipe for publication in the cookbook, please include a short antidote concerning it.
• I don’t want to cast asparagus at my opponent.
• The mountain is named for the Reverend Starr King, who was an invertebrate climber.
• The fun and excitement of childhood are nothing compared to the fun and excitement of adultery.
• Ortiz is the most recent recipient of the pretentious Con Edison Athlete of the Week Award.
• Senators are chosen as committee chairmen on the basis of senility.
• I refuse to answer that question. It’s too suppository.
• I took up aerobics to help maintain my well-propositioned figure.
• Medieval cathedrals were supported by flying buttocks.
• The marriage was consummated on the altar.
• The food in our cafeteria is so bad it’s not fit for human constipation.
Here’s a malapropistic quiz. In the real-life malapropisms below, identify the right word that the speaker or writer has mangled:
1. I am privileged to speak at this millstone in the history of the college.
2. In Venice, the people travel around the canals in gorgonzolas.
3. I don’t want to cast asparagus at my opponent.
4. Who do you think you are, some kind of hexagon of virtue?
5. We have to deal seriously with this offense as a detergent to others.
6. He died interstate.
7. Too many Americans lead a sedimentary life.
8. The deceased was a vicarious reader.
9. They’ve decided to raise my benefits, and they’re making them radioactive.
10. The only sure-fire way to avoid teenage pregnancy is through obstinance.
Answers: 1. milestone 2. gondolas 3. aspersions 4. paragon 5. deterrent 6. intestate 7. sedentary 8. voracious 9. retroactive 10. abstinence