Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
Over the past several decades many jokes have featured all manner of people and other creatures walking into bars. For example:
Two ropes walk into a bar. The first rope orders a beer. “We don’t serve ropes here,” sneers the bartender, who picks up the rope, whirls him around in the air and tosses him out into the street.
“Oh, oh. I’d better disguise myself,” thinks the second rope. He ruffles up his ends to make himself look rougher and twists himself into a circle to look bigger. Then he too sidles up to the bar.
“Hmmm. Are you one of them ropes?” snarls the bartender.
“I’m a frayed knot.”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Okay, you can come in here as long as you don’t start anything.”
A proton walks into a bar and orders a whiskey sour. “Are you sure?” asks the bartender.
“Yes, I’m positive.”
Tonight, starting at 6 p.m., a spectacular musical tribute to 100 years of the San Diego Zoo will unfurl in Balboa Park at the Spreckels Organ Pavilion. To add a dash of humor to the euphoric celebration, I exhibit my 10 favorite beastly bar jokes:
1. A duck waddles into a restaurant and orders a drink.
“That’ll be six dollars,” says the bartender.
“Just put it on my bill.”
2. A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer …………. and some peanuts.”
The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
Replies the bear, “I don’t know. I’ve always had them.”
3. An anteater is sitting at a bar and says that he’d like a sandwich.
“Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a hamburger?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o,” replies the anteater. “Then how about a hot dog?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”
“A tuna melt?”
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”
Finally the waiter gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen, buddy, if you don’t mind my asking, why the long no’s?”
4. A dog limps into a bar on three legs and snarls, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
5. A goat walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve kids here.”
6. A shrimp walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
7. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
8. A grasshopper hops into a bar, and the bartender says, “You’re a celebrity, We actually have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper asks, “Why would you name a drink Cedric?”
9. Sitting at a bar, a pony says to her server in a semi whisper, “I’d like to order the daily special.”
The server says, “What? I can’t hear you. Speak up!”
“May I please have the daily special?”
“Now listen, if you don’t speak up, I can’t serve you.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
10. A koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a water
pistol and squirts the bartender.
As the koala stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just squirted me and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The koala yells back at the bartender, “Hey, man, I’m a koala! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for koala: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Australian origin, characterized by a broad head, large hairy ears, dense gray fur and sharp claws. Eats shoots and leaves.”