Dear Richard Lederer: Have you ever done a column on spoonerisms? My husband and I find them amusing and entertaining, yet we are a little amazed that so many of our friends haven’t heard of Rev. Spooner and his twists of the tongue. Perhaps you can enlighten them! Your raithful feeder! Joan Bryant, Coronado

On July 22, 1844, near London, William Archibald Spooner was born with a silver spoonerism in his mouth. He set out to be a bird-watcher but ended up as a word-botcher. He often reversed letters and syllables with unintentional hilarity. For example, he once hoisted a tankard in honor of Queen Victoria. As he toasted the reigning monarch, he exclaimed, “Three cheers for our queer old dean!” Another time Dr. Spooner entered his church and found a woman sitting in his usual pew. He responded, “Mardon me, padam. You are occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?”

Dr. Spooner became a distinguished don at Oxford University. But because of his frequent tips of the slung, he became famous for his tough-and-rumble words. These switcheroos have become known as spoonerisms. 

The larger the number of words in a language, the greater the likelihood that two or more words will rhyme. Because English possesses more words than any other language, it also possesses more possible spoonerisms. That’s why English is full of thud and blunder. A ghost town becomes a toast gown. A tollbooth becomes a bowl tooth. A bartender becomes a tar bender. With a bit of fudging, motion pictures become potion mixtures, and your local Wal-Mart becomes a Mall Wart.

In honor of Dr. William Archibald Spooner’s whiz and witdom, I present my sprightly poem about English terrors and tinglish errors: 

Dr. Spooner’s Animal Act

Welcome, ladies; welcome gents.
Here’s an act that’s so in tents,
An absolute sure-fire parade,
A positive pure-fire charade —
(As you can see, I give free reign
To this metrical refrain.)

With animals all in a row,
I hope that you enjoy the show.

Gallops forth a curried horse,
Trotting through a hurried course.
Watch now how this speeding rider
Holds aloft a reading spider,
Followed by a dragonfly,
As it drains its flagon dry.

Step right up! See this mere bug
Drain the drink from his beer mug.

See a clever, heeding rabbit
Who’s acquired a reading habit,
Sitting on his money bags,
Reading many bunny mags,

Which tickle hard his funny bone,
As he talks on his bunny phone.

He is such a funny beast,
Gobbling down his bunny feast.

Lumbers forth a honey bear,
Fur as soft as bunny hair.

Gaze upon that churning bear
Standing on a burning chair.

Don’t vacillate. An ocelot
Will oscillate a vase a lot.

And — a gift from our Dame Luck —
There waddles in a large lame duck.

Now hops a dilly of a frog
Followed by a frilly dog.

Hear that hoppy frog advise:

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”
With animals weak and animals mild,
Creatures meek and creatures wild,
That’s Dr. Spooner’s circus show,
With animals all in a row.

That’s a look at spoonerisms in one swell foop. So let’s close with a special toast. Here’s champagne to our real friends — and real pain to our sham friends!