According to the Alaska Department of Fish & Game, while both male and female
reindeer grow antlers in the summer, males shed their antlers in the beginning of winter.
Females, on the other hoof, keep their antlers until spring. This means that all of Santa Claus’s
reindeer on Christmas Eve must be female.

We should not be surprised. Only females could drag all around the world at night
without ever getting lost a weighty sleigh, humongous, ginormous bag of toys and a fat guy in a
suit who takes all the credit.

Now that I have your attention, here’s my biography of Santa Claus, who is also known
as Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kriss Kringle, Father Christmas, or simply Santa.

Did you know that Santa Claus’s first language is North Polish? Santa and Mrs. Claus
live in an icicle built for two. He lovingly tends his garden, all the while laughing, “Hoe, hoe,
hoe!”

Santa always wears the same suit, but it stays clean because Mrs. Claus washes it in Yule
Tide. Part of that suit is a black belt, which Santa earned in karate. But no matter how much he
works out, Saint Nick suffers from a number of health problems, including mistletoe, tinselitis,
and hollytosis.

Santa is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses.
As a group, they’re all renoun Clauses. And the father of Father Christmas is, of course, a
Grandfather Claus.

Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses. Santa’s elves are generous souls, not elfish. They
study the elf-abet so that they can file correctly. As they make toys, the elves sing, “Love Me
Tender.” That’s why they’re known as Santa’s little Elvis. And that’s why, as they put the toys in
boxes and prepare them for Santa’s sack, they listen to wrap music. They also take a lot of elfies.

On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a jolly roll and leaps into his sleigh. Santa’s sleigh always
comes out first because it starts in the Pole position. It also gets terrific mileage because it has
long-distance runners on each side.

Santa especially loves all his reindeer because every buck is deer to him. He puts bells on
all his reindeer because their horns don’t work. On the way to delivering gifts, he lets his
coursers stop at the Deery Queen. The sign in front reads “The Bucks Stop Here.” Dasher and
Dancer love washing their meals down with coffee because they are Santa’s star bucks. Santa’s
own favorite food is Crisp Pringles.

Santa has the right idea: Deliver your products free because they’re on the house. The
fact that Santa works just one day a year is an inspiration to workers everywhere, but also
explains why he gets paid only with cookies and milk.

When traveling in the sleigh in inclement weather, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real
chin chillas, those. He sometimes removes all the bells from his sleigh and travels silently
through the night. One day, he hopes to win a No Bell prize.

Santa is so Santa-mental that he confers gifts even on ghost children, who sing to Santa,
“We’ll Have a Boo Christmas Without You.” Santa even delivers gifts to good little sharks while
they sleep. They call him Santa Jaws.

Many animals celebrate Christmas. Cats wish each other a “Furry Meowy Christmas.”
Dogs bark, “Yappy Howl-a-Days.” And sheep greet each other with “Season’s Bleatings and
Fleece Navidad! Fleece on earth, good wool to sheep!”

Santa often guides his sleigh to Cape Canaveral. We know this because A SANTA AT
NASA is a palindrome, a statement that reads the same forward and backward. When Santa
Claus laughs while walking backward, what comes out is “oh, oh, oh!”

What’s red and white and black all over? Santa Claus entering a home through a chimney.
He loves sliding down chimneys because it soots him. But he actually has a fear of getting stuck.
That fear is called Santa Claus-trophobia. The way to get him out of the chimney is to pour Santa
Flush on him. When Santa falls down a chimney, he becomes Santa Klutz. Since Santa has to go
up and down a wide variety of chimneys on Christmas, he gets a yearly flue shot.
Whatever the obstacles, Santa always delivers his presents in the Saint Nick of time.
Then on December 25, Santa is a beat Nick.