Many mean things have been said about politicians. They have even been skewered by a
fanciful etymology for the word politics: poly, as in polygon, polygamy, polyglot, and
polytheistic, means “many” — and ticks, well, ticks are blood-sucking parasites!

Have you heard that they’re now replacing laboratory rats with politicians? First, there is
a shortage of laboratory rats. Second, you’re less likely to develop affection for a politician. And,
third, there are some things that laboratory rats just won’t do.

Ambrose Bierce sardonically defined politics as “A strife of interest masquerading as a
contest of principles." Robert Louis Stevenson noted that “politics is perhaps the only profession
for which no preparation is thought necessary.”

Ronald Reagan declaimed, “Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I
have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” Peter DeVries defined a
politician as “a man who can be verbose in fewer words than anyone else.”
And Richard Lederer points out that “Jefferson did it. Nixon did it. And Truman did it.
Heck, any Tom, Dick, and Harry can become president of the United States.”

• Why are there so many political jokes? We keep electing them.
• How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They prefer to keep us in the dark.
• What’s the difference between a catfish and a politician? One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.
• How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.
• What do politicians and diapers have in common? They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• Why are political speeches like a steer’s horns? A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
• Why did the politician cross the road? To get to the other bribe.
• Why don’t thieves ever rob politicians’ homes? Professional courtesy.
• What does a politician do after he dies? He lies still.
• An honest politician and Santa Claus were walking down the street, and they saw a $50 bill lying on the ground. Who picked it up? Santa. An honest politician doesn’t exist.
• What is the difference between Thanksgiving Day and Election Day? On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for a day, but on Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
• Have you heard about the new McDonald’s Value Meal? You order whatever you want, and the customer after you has to pay for it.
• Idolizing a politician is like believing that the stripper really likes you.
• What’s the worst disease that Americans can catch? Electile Dysfunction.
• What’s the most unfair thing about American elections? We get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for president of the United States.
• This year, April Fool’s Day has been canceled because no prank can match the reality of what’s going on right now.

***

What’s in a name? Not as much as you think.
Recently, Greenland has been very much in the news. So I ask you: Which country is greener — Greenland or Iceland? Iceland, of course. Greenland is mostly covered by an ice sheet.

Now let’s travel to the Canary Islands. They got their name from what creature?
“Canaries, of course!” you chirp.
Wrong.
The answer is dogs, i.e. canines. The Latin name was Canaria Insula, “Isle of the Dogs” because a doglike creature roams the territory. Canaries got their name from the islands, not the other way around. There are no canaries on the Canary Islands.

Now let’s talk about the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either.

In fact, a whole menagerie of animals are not what their names indicate:
A ladybug is a beetle, and they’re not all female. A lightning bug is also a beetle. And a firefly is actually a lightning bug, which, as you now know, is a beetle. Wormwood is a European plant that yields a bitter-tasting oil but contains neither worm nor wood.
A cuttlefish is not a fish, nor are starfish, jellyfish, silver fish, and shellfish, including crawfish. But a seahorse is a fish, and so is Bombay duck.