My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I just couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned. Next, I became a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was employed at a diet center, but I got downsized. I became a baker, but I turned out to be a loafer and couldn’t make enough dough. Then I opened a doughnut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.

I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing. I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered. Next I worked in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I became a drill press operator, but the job was too boring.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. I became a hairdresser, but the job was just too cut and dried. I tried telemarketing, but I had too many hang-ups. I manned a computer but developed a terminal illness and lost my drive and my memory. I sold origami, but the business folded.

I became a judge, but the job was too trying and soon lost its appeal. Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. I enjoyed being a professional musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I just didn’t know my brass from my oboe. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

I took a position at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself. Next came a job in a shoe factory, but the job didn’t last and I got the boot. I became a Velcro salesman, but couldn’t stick with it. I was a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. I became a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way.

Then I was a Hawaiian garland maker, but I got leid off. So I turned to designing lingerie, but I got the pink slip. I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout. I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity and finally withdrew from the job. Next I was employed by a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I wasn’t up to it. So I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and revolting, so they discharged me. I got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. I became a cardiologist, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

I became a tennis pro, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung. I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties and my class. I trained to be a ballet dancer, but it was too-too difficult. I became a farmer, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field. Then I was a pilot. I flew by the seat of my pants, but I didn’t have the right altitude.

Next, I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. For a while, I was a calliope player, but I ran out of steam. Then I was a witch, but I was never any good at spelling. I became a statistician, but I got broken down by age, sex and marital status. Finally, I was a Scrabble champion, but I became inconsonant, and I couldn’t move my vowels anymore.

So I’ve retired — and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!

Please send your questions and comments about language to richard.lederer@utsandiego.com verbivore.com