Here’s little poem I’ve conjured up about Halloween monsters:

Don’t ever play ping pong with King Kong.
Don’t ever take blood tests with Dracula.
Don’t you dare give a wedgie to Frankenstein.
Your ending will be quite spectaculah!

Don’t you dare snap a towel at Godzilla.
Such a prank would be foolishly rude.
Don’t you dare floss the teeth of a werewolf.
You are liable to end up as food!

Don’t you dare give a hotfoot to Bigfoot.
Don’t point a stake at a vampire.
Don’t you dare roast marshmallows with dragons.
You’ll find you are playing with fire!

Don’t you steal witches’ brooms for spring cleaning.
Don’t ever try scaring a ghost.
Don’t ever eat breakfast with zombies.
You’ll certainly end up as toast!

What would you do if you opened your front door and saw a boogeyman, Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, a ghost, a ghoul, King-Kong, a mummy, Quasimodo, a skeleton, a werewolf, a witch, and a zombie standing on your steps? Hope it’s Halloween.

Tonight, when the last light is gone
And you’re sleepy and yawned your last yawn,
Ghosts and ghouls will come out
Witches, bats — but don’t pout.
All those monsters will leave before dawn.

Halloween is a time when we conjure up visions of all manner of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties. We human beings are fascinated by monsters. We are somehow drawn to their ugliness. Monsters are ghastly, grotesque, gruesome, hair-raising, hideous, horrifying, and downright yucky creatures. They’re so ugly that their own shadows run away from them. They’re so ugly that when they look in a mirror, their reflections look back and scream. And they’re so ugly that when they appear in Star Wars movies, they don’t wear costumes.

In spite of their spooky, kooky, and pukey, icky, sticky, and sicky, and hairy, scary, and extra-ordinary appearance, monsters can be very funny:

What kind of hot dogs do monsters like best?
Hallowieners.

What is a monster’s normal eyesight?
20/ 20/ 20/ 20.

How does a monster count to 25?
On her fingers.

How does a monster count to 50?
On her toes.

Is it okay for a monster to eat fried chicken with her fingers?
No, they eat their fingers separately.

Who won the beauty contest for monsters?
Nobody.

What’s the difference between a lame sailor and a monster?
One’s a gob hobblin’ and the other’s a hobgoblin.

Why don’t monsters remember anything you tell them?
Because what you say will go in one ear and out the others.

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
She wanted a light snack that brightened her smile and made her eyes light up.

What’s yellow on the outside and red, orange, blue, green, brown, and black on the inside?
A school bus carrying little monsters.

Where do you find monster snails?
On the end of monsters’ fingers.

Why do demons and ghouls get along so well together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Where can you see a hideous monster?
Look in the mirror!

How do you keep an ugly monster in suspense?
I’ll tell you tomorrow!

***

On Saturday, November 4, starting at 2 pm, at the La Mesa Branch Library, 8074 Allison St., I’ll be presenting “Fascinating Facts About Our Presidents.” Free admission. I’d love to meet you there..