Do you remember back in junior high when you were taught that a noun was a person, place or thing? But you probably didn’t learn that proper names can be nouns, as the following narrative demonstrates:
Welcome to our fair city. We invite you to take one of our scenic tours. All tours include regular stops at clean restrooms, featuring the Leslie Stahl, Elton John, Lucy Liu and Thomas Crapper.
Let’s start with a tour of our unique zoo on Picabo Street. Take a look at our Brian Grazers — John Deere, including a Pearl Buck and John Doe, Sandra Bullock, Crazy Horse, Walter de la Mare and her Nick Foles enclosed in the Sean Penn.
Move on to the carnivores — the Leonard Lyons and a Dick Tiger, Max Bear, Peter Coyote, John Cougar, Jamie Foxx and Tom Wolfe.
The stars of our primate mesa are the Edward Gibbon, Barbara Mandrell and Thelonious Monk.
The Julia Child’s section features an Elizabeth Warren teeming with bunnies and William Burroughs crammed with prairie dogs. The kiddies will also enjoy the petting corral, which encloses Mickey Katz, a Snoop Dogg, Charles Lamb, Captain Kangaroo and Jason Kidd. The zookeepers protect your children by from time to time picking a Gomer Pyle of Billy Crudup.
Next proceed to the Larry Bird Exhibit. In the Nicolas Cage you’ll have a Clarence Birdseye view of Tim Robbins, along with a Stephen Crane, Rita Dove, Jenny Finch, Ryan Gosling, John Jay, Dean Martin, Florence Nightingale, Walter Pidgeon, Dan Quayle, Lynn Swann, Taylor Swift and Christopher Wren, all living together and flying freely. As with the large mammals, predators such as the Tony Hawk, Sheryl Crow and Tom Kite are housed separately.
Now it’s time for you to sample our wide array of museums. I hope you have time to visit our Jewel exhibit, which includes the Billy Crystal, Neil Diamond, Kevin Garnett, Minnie Pearl, Jack Ruby and William Safire. Featured are two famous bejeweled game pieces, the Fats Domino and Chubby Checker, vivid against the Jane Curtain backdrop. These valuable items are kept under John Locke and Francis Scott Key.
There’s also a clothing exhibition in the Arsenio Hall. Among the featured items are the Red Buttons, Mickey Mantle, Ben Coates, Al Capp, Roy Acuff, Elisabeth Shue, Jack Sock, Will Shortz and Desmond Tutu, woven from a Christian Bale of Joseph Cotton.
Also on our Franz Liszt of tours is a hike up Jonah Hill to view the geological features of our area. Traversing an Alan Greenspan, you’ll pass the Hugh Downs, John Glenn, Brandon Heath, Jayne Meadows, Red Grange with its Marvin Barnes and through the Beyoncé Knowles, where you’ll stop for a short walk on the Michael Moore.
On to Rick Mount, where you’ll travel along the Matthew Ridgway to the Pat Summitt. There you’ll see the Chris Rock and the Emma Stone balanced on the edge of the Jimmy Cliff. The Cecil Rhodes take you to the Frankie Valli, where you’ll visit archaeological digs at the William Tell and the Brad Pitt. As you cross the Jeff Bridges, you can look up at the spectacular panorama of the Daniel Craig.
The last stop on your Linda Tripp will be to the Rosa Parks, where you will sample delicious, fresh food at the farmers’ market, including a Halle Berry, Don Cherry, Gilbert Grape, Jack Lemmon, Milt Plum, Darryl Strawberry, Billy Beane, Dom Capers, Willie Mays, Ty Cobb of David Corn, Joyce Carol Oates and Anne Rice. You can take away a Gregory Peck of Julius Peppers.
All our tours end with a pass through our downtown, built around the Aubrey Plaza. You’ll start on Della Street, where you’ll see the Jude Law center, Margaret Court house and the Frank Church. Note the John Tower that features an Alexander Graham Bell and is topped by a Christopher Cross of Jamie Gold. Next to the church and behind the John Wall is our historic cemetery of Robert Graves.
I’m confident that the Alan Turing of our great city will make your Billie Holiday the Pete Best, and never the Ralph Nader, of your life, but you be the Aaron Judge of that.
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Next Saturday, December 1, 2 pm, I’ll be signing my new book, The Joy of Names, and joining other local authors at the Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore, 5943 Balboa Avenue. For information, call 858 268 4747.