Calendars were first made so that people could predict recurring events, such as planting
and harvest times. In 45 BC, Julius Caesar ordered that the new year be celebrated on January
first to honor Janus, the god of beginnings and gatekeeper of heaven and earth. Janus was a
double-faced god who looked forward into the new year and backward to the old. The name
Janus gave us the word “January.”

The passing of one year into the beginning of another is marked around the world by
New Year’s Eve customs ranging from high-spirited parties to solemn prayer and thought. The
most colossal and famous New Year’s party takes place in New York City. Millions of people
around the world watch the ginormous Waterford Crystal Ball drop over Times Square.

“Auld Lang Syne,” written by the Scottish poet Robert Burns, is the song most identified
with New Year’s celebrations. We all know “Auld Lang Syne,” even though few of us really
know what it means, which happens to be “old long since,” or “long ago.” The song was first
popularized in 1929 by Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians orchestra.

On January 1, we make New Year’s resolutions, vowing to better ourselves in the coming
year. Many of these resolutions are forgotten as soon as they’re made, but the sentiment remains
noble. Taking a few moments to reflect on our shortcomings and optimistically plan to overcome
them is better than making no attempt at all. And sometimes, when we are ready for change,
those resolutions do stick — some for a few months, some for a year and some for a lifetime.

There are so many ways of saying, “Happy New Year!”:

A.A. Milne says, “Happy Pooh Bear!” Homer (the ancient Greek epic poet, not the bald,
yellow Simpson) says, “Harpy New Year!” Lady Godiva says, “Happy Nude Year!” Sherlock
Holmes says, “Happy Clue Year!” Paul Bunyan says, “Choppy New Years!” and Casper the
Friendly Ghost says, “Happy Boo Year!”
Dr. Harry Wegeforth says, “Happy Zoo Year,” Abbie Hoffman says, “Hippie Dude Year!”
Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Gavin Newsome, et al. say, “Happy Blue Year!” Vincent Van Gogh
says, “Happy New Ear!” and U-T senior editor Laura Cicalo says, “Happy News Year!”
And your faithful language columnist and incorrigible punster (don't incorrige me!) says,
“My Gnu Year’s resolution is to tell ewe a gazelleon times how much I caribou ewe, deer. Llama
wildebeest of a punster, and you're thinking, ‘Unicorniest fellow I’ve ever met!’ but I’m not out
to buffalo or a llama ewe, so alpaca bag and hightail it out of here in camelflage.” Note that no
animals were harmed in making these puns, and they were all ungulates.

***

Did you know the Canary Islands are named for dogs — Canariae Insulae, “Dog Island”?
In fact, there aren’t any canaries on the Canary Islands.
It’s the same with the Virgin Islands. There aren’t any canaries there either.

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If you want to get your pants or dress hemmed quickly, call Taylor Swift.

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You may remember the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” — a 35-
letter statement that includes all 26 letters of the English alphabet. Such compact sentences are
called pangrams.

Here’s a list of incredibly shrinking pangrams:
 Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs. (32 letters)
 Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz. (31 letters)
 Two big, driven jocks help fax my quiz. (30 letters)
 How vexingly quick daft zebras jump. (29 letters)
 Waltz, bad nymph, for quick jigs vex. (28 letters)
 Bawds jog, flick quartz, vex nymph. (27 letters)
 Mr. Jock, TV quiz Ph.D., bags few lynx. (26 letters!)
 The glib czar junks my VW Fox PDQ. (26 letters!)

If any reader can send me a 26-word pangram that avoids proper names and initials, I’ll
make her or him famous.

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The word “muffins” spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the
oven.

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I don’t play golf for two linguistic reasons: (1) The word “golf,” spelled backwards is
“flog” — not a good sign. (2) I don’t want to flog myself in an effort to be subpar. I want to be
above par.

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On Friday, January 10, starting at 7 pm, I’ll be performing for Pundemonium at Finest
City Improv, 4250 Louisiana Street, in Hillcrest, where I’ll be launching my new book “Jest for
the Pun of It.”
On January 15, 10 am, I’ll be presenting “The Joy of Names” at Rancho Bernardo Oasis,
17170 Bernardo Center Drive.