Hoo boy.
Now that Kamala (emphasis on the first syllable of her first name, please) Harris and Tim Walz are running for president and vice president of the US of A, we are faced with a battle of apostrophes. Because their last names end with an “s” and a “z,” the looming question becomes what are we voters to do when we add a possessive squiggle to “Harris” and “Walz”?.

Should we write “Harris’ economic plan” or “Harris’s economic plan”?

Should we write “Walz’ military service” or “Walz’s military service”?

Ask yourself what’s the purpose of punctuation? The answer is that punctuation exists to reflect the cadence and meaning of human speech.

Now I ask you: Do you say, “Harris’ economic plan” or “Harris’s economic plan”? Do you say, “Walz’ military service” or “Walz’s military service”? I’m guessing that most of you say, “Harris’s economic plan” and “Walz’s military service.” So that’s the way you should write it.

In general, possessive forms of one-syllable words that end in “s” or “z” take an apostrophe-“s,” as in “Gus’’s dog” and “the boss’s daughter.”

With two-syllable names and words that end in “s” or “z,” write them as you say them. For me, that’s “Dickens’s novels” and “Jesus’s parables,” but you may disagree.

For three-syllable or longer names and words that end in “s” or “z,” again spell them as you would say them. Almost always, just an apostrophe will do: “Socrates’ dialogues” and “Aristophanes’ comedies.”

Punctuation makes a difference and can even save lives as in “Let’s eat Grandma” vs. “Let’s eat, Grandma” and “I saw a man-eating lobster” vs. “I saw a man eating lobster.”

Remember: Using faulty punctuation is like wearing your underwear on the outside. You’re covered, but you still look like an idiot.

Please take a look at the two letters that follow. They both display the same words in the same order, yet the first one gets John a second date while the second provokes Mary to issue a restraining order.

Dear Mary,
I yearn for a woman who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
Could you, if only for a moment, think of our being together forever? What a cruel joke to have you come into my life only to leave again — it would be heaven denied! The possibility of seeing you again makes me giddy with joy. I face the time we are apart with great sadness. I would like to tell you that I love you. I can’t stop thinking that you are one of the prettiest women on earth.
Please let me be yours.
John

Dear Mary,
I yearn for a woman who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, and thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.

Could you, if only for a moment, think? Of our being together forever, what a cruel joke! To have you come into my life only to leave again — it would be heaven! Denied the possibility of seeing you again makes me giddy. With joy, I face the time we are apart. With great sadness, I would like to tell you that I love you. I can’t. Stop thinking that you are one of the prettiest women on earth. I can’t.
Please let me be.
Yours,
John

Here are a few more punctuation howlers:

• I’ll give up my Oxford comma only when you can pry it from my wrinkled, cold, and dead hands.
• Book dedication: to my parents, the Pope, and Mother Teresa
• My three favorite things in life are eating my cats and not using commas.
• I’ll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

***
On Monday, September 2, Labor Day,1:30-2:30 pm, I’ll be presenting “Words on the Job” at Remington Club I, 16925 Hierba Drive, in Rancho Bernardo.
On Saturday, September 12, 10-11 am, I’ll be presenting “American History for Everyone” at Rancho Bernardo Oasis, 17170 Bernardo Center Drive.
For information, call 858 240 2880

Please send your questions and comments about language to Richard Lederer.