Two weeks from now, July 4 th , marks the 250 th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. I have pasted together a fractured chronicle of U.S. “history” from student bloopers collected by teachers from 8 th grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Christopher Columbus was a great nagivator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic Ocean on the Nina, the Pinta Colada, and the Santa Fe.
Later, Jamestown was discovered by King James the One and named after him. The Pilgrims drove the Mayflower across the ocean and arrived in hardships. This was called the Pill’s Grim Progress. The men wore pants that only came a little way past their knees, and the girls wore funny bonnets. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. The Boston Tea Party was a raid where they threw all the tea into Boston Harbor, which they all drank. Finally, General Corn Wallace surrendered and the War was over, and we no longer had to pay for taxis.
America was founded by four fathers. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Decoration of Independence, which says that all men are cremated equal and are well endowed by their creator. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”
George Washington married Martha Custis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn’t. Washington’s farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people have the right to bare arms.
In the early 19 th century, Lois and Clark explored the Louisiana Purchase. The two greatest marshals of the Old West were Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccup. General George Custard extinguished himself at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Lincoln wrote the Emasculation Proclamation, and he kept our country in one peace. His last residence was at the Gettysburg Address. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
During the Industrial Revolution, people stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat by Robert Fulton caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Eli Whitney invented the spinning gin. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph and the indecent lamp. Andrew Carnegie started the steal business. And George Goethals dug the Alimentary Canal.
The First World War was caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist.
Charles Limburger was the first man to ever cross the Atlantic alone. He wanted to go by regular airlines, but he couldn’t afford to buy a ticket. When he got to Paris, all the French people shouted, “Bonsai!”
World War II happened when Adolph Hitler and the Knotsies had erotic dreams of conquest all over Europe. Roosevelt put a stop to Hitler, who committed suicide in his bunk.
Martin Luther had a dream. He went to Washington and recited his Sermon on the Monument. Later, he nailed 96 Protestants in the Watergate Scandal, which ushered in a new error in human history.