Centuries ago, the Pilgrims found in America a wild fowl somewhat similar in appearance to a guinea fowl they had known back in England — a fowl that acquired its name because it was first imported by way of Turkey, a Middle Eastern nation that doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Because we perceive this bird as ugly in appearance and voice, we sometimes assign its name to people and entertainments that don’t flick our Bic and float our boat..

Show me a man who throws Thanksgiving leftovers in the garbage, and I’ll show you a man who quits cold turkey. “To quit cold turkey,” meaning “to completely quit something, often addiction.” apparently springs from the serving of cold turkey, which requires no preparation.

Today is a good day to serve up turkey puns, accompanied by a lot of corn:

What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing; they are already stuffed.

Is turkey soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the turkey.

Why did the turkey go to the movie?
To see Gregory Peck.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To show that he wasn’t a chicken.

Do chickens jog?
No, but turkeys trot.

Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey?
They spoke gobbledygook.

Why is a turkey similar to a ghost?
Because it’s a-gobblin’ and a poultrygeist.

What did the distraught mother turkey say to her disobedient son?
“If your father were alive today, he’d be turning over in his gravy!”

Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It’s served with very little dressing.

Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.

Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic?
Because they count the number of chopping days until Thanksgiving.

Did you hear about the liberal turkey?
It has two left wings.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because it had two drumsticks.

Did you hear about the waiter who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the floor and feared she had created an international incident?
It was the downfall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breaking up of China.

Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
Because they’re cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of them, and they’re picked on for days after Thanksgiving.

As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated, “Curses! Foiled again!”

Did you hear about the film executive who produced so many movies that turned out to be turkeys that he was made an honorary Pilgrim?

Happy Turkey day to all!

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On November 21, 10 am, and on December 5, 10 am, I’ll be teaching at La Mesa Oasis.. On December 12, I’ll be teaching at Rancho Bernardo Oasis.

On December 6, I’ll be performing for Pundemonium at Finest City Improv in Hillcrest, and on December 7, 2:30 pm, I’ll be offering “American History for Everyone” at the Mission Hills Hillcrest Library, 215 W. Washington Street.