The English language and the game of baseball would be immeasurably poorer without the fractured diction and unruly grammar of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher and broadcaster Dizzy Dean. Dean peppered commentary with ain’ts and double negatives. When he thought a verb was colorless, he invented his own: “The pitcher flang the ball” and “He slud into third base.”

When an indignant listener complained, “Mr. Dean, don’t you know the King’s English?” Dizzy shot back, “Sure I do — and so’s the Queen!”

During the 1934 World Series against the Detroit Tigers, base runner Dean tried to break up a double play and was struck in the head by the relay throw. The force of the ball knocked him unconscious and sent the whacky pitcher to the hospital. Luckily, Dean was not seriously injured. The next day, the headline read “X RAYS OF DEAN’S HEAD REVEAL NOTHING.”

That Dizzy headline is a nonpareil among pareils when it comes to headline howlers that unintentionally suggest double meanings. Here are some more bold-faced double entendres that leave publishers and editors crimson cheeked:

Other headline howlers present penetrating glimpses into the obvious:

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

AIRLINER IS HELD UP FOR 3 HOURS BY MAN ARMED WITH AX

LAWMAKERS BACK TRAIN THROUGH IOWA KIDNEY PATIENTS TO GO ON THEIR OWN

MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING BE SURE TO EAT RIGHT BEFORE SURGERY

OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

AIR HEAD FIRED

Other headline howlers present penetrating glimpses into the obvious:

MATH IMPROVEMENT INDICATES LEARNING IS TIED TO TEACHING

NEW BAR EXAM TO INCLUDE TEST OF LEGAL SKILLS

HALF OF ALL CHILDREN TESTED SCORE BELOW AVERAGE

MURDER BY COMPANIONS AFFECTS INMATE’S CHANCE FOR PAROLE

MISSOURI GAS CHAMBER IS UNSAFE

Send questions and comments to richard.lederer@utsandiego.com