At the spirited Halloween ball the ghosts had a wail of a time. They danced sheet to sheet and boo-gied to some haunting melodies that the band played from sheet music. Awraitha Franklin sang soul and spirituals, and the stars of Wailer Swift sang “Ghost Riders in the Sky” and “America the Boo-tiful.” The emcee was Phantom of the Oprah Winfrey, and the proceedings were broadcast on a big-scream TV. All this was presided over by Casper, the Friendly Host, who by day worked as an inn specter.
Ghosts love to eat, drink and be scary. At the party they consumed ghost liver pâté, spook-ghetti, fillet of soul and deviled eggs. For dessert they enjoyed boo meringue, birthday quake, an I scream float and Haunted Toll House spookies. The bartenders didn’t serve soft drinks. They only served spirits and boos.
Ghosts are undercover agents of fright. At the affair, one of the ghosts dressed up in a badly torn sheet. He was a holy terror. Another one of the ghosts was draped in an American flag — dread, fright and boo! Another came in a starched sheet. She wanted to scare people stiff. Another ghost with a wooden leg came as a hobblin’ goblin. Still another disguised herself as a Leonardo da Vinci painting. She was the Moaning Lisa. The ghostly children came dressed up in white pillowcases.
Baby ghosts wear boo-ties and are often sent to dayscare centers and noisery schools, where they sing songs like “Boo boo, black sheet,” read books like “Winnie the Boo,” “Sleeping Boo-ty” and “Boo-ty and the Beast” and play Hyde and go shriek. Little ghosts start their moanings with Ghost Toasties and Fearios, sprinkled with boo-buries.
Little boy ghosts love to play hide and shriek and to short-sheet each other. Little girl ghosts play with their haunted doll houses, which they decorate with shudders. Their favorite book is “Great Ex-specter-ations.”
Ghost mothers advise their kids:
• “Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”
• “Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.”
• “Don’t pick the boo-gers in your nose.”
• “Before going out, be sure to put your boos and shocks on.”
• “Don’t forget to sit in the boo-ster seat and boo-ckle your sheet belt. That way, you’ll avoid getting boo-boos.”
• “Remember to say, ‘How do you boo, sir or madam.’”
• “Eat your food without goblin it.”
• “Always do your gnome work.”
• “If you don’t obey me, you’ll have to ghost stand in the corner — in the living room! Do I make myself clear?”
Ghosts live in ghost towns and drive Boo-icks, which they park in their mirages. They pick up their chain mail at the dead letter department in the ghost office. Rich ghosts fly to places like Mali-boo, Ghosta Rica, North and South Scarolina and Casper, Wyoming, on scareplanes, invented by the Fright Brothers. They go bargain haunting at Bed, Bath and B-E-Y-O-N-D and send ghostcards home.
Now that the ghost is clear, here are a few ghostly limericks I’ve conjured up for Halloween:
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate About who should be frightened of whom!
Those ghosts — hip! hooray! Hallelujah! If you’re famous, they’re bound to pursue ya.
But here’s advice sage:
If you sing on their stage, The audience surely will boo ya!
The sister of Hannibal Lector
Thought there did not exist any specter,
Till a ghost draped with burlap
Sat right down on her lap,
And her panic attack nearly wrecked her!
*****
Richard Lederer will be speaking on the centennial of our San Diego Zoo at the Scripps Ranch Library, 10301 Scripps Lake Drive, on Saturday, November 5, at 2:30 pm. Admission is open and free (and worth every penny). He’d love to meet you there.