With Labor Day coming up, I’ve decided to share with you my checkered workplace history:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned. Then I became a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. I was next employed at a diet center, but I got downsized.
I became a baker, but I turned out to be a loafer and couldn’t make enough dough. Then I opened a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business. After that, I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleting and de-pressing. I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered. Next I worked in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I became a drill press operator, but the job was too boring. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. I became a hairdresser, but the job was just too cut and dried.
I tried telemarketing, but I had too many hang-ups. I manned a computer but developed a terminal illness and lost my drive and my memory. I sold origami, but the business folded.
I became a judge, but the job was too trying and soon lost its appeal. Then I worked as a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. I tried to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard and ended up in a pickle..
I enjoyed being a professional musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I just didn’t know my brass from my oboe. I studied to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients for it. I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.
Next came work in a shoe factory, but the job didn’t last and I got the boot. I became a Velcro salesman but couldn’t stick with it. I was hooked on becoming a commercial fisherman but found that I couldn’t live on my net income.
I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way . I manufactured Hawaiian garlands, but I got leid off. So I turned to designing lingerie, but I got the pink slip.
I tried being a fireman, but I couldn’t climb the ladder to success and suffered burnout. After that, I was an electrician, but the job was so shocking and re-volting that I experienced a short circuit and was discharged. I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity and finally withdrew from the job.
I got a job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining and out of my depth. Next I fed giraffes at the zoo, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. So then I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
I tried selling cigarette lighters, but it didn’t flick my Bic and I lost my spark. I got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. I became a cardiologist, but my heart just wasn’t in it
I tried being a tennis pro, but it wasn’t my racket because I was too high strung. I next became a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties and my class. I trained to be a ballet dancer, but it was too-too difficult. I tried being a farmer, but I wasn’t out standing in my field.
I was once a plumber, but it turned out to be a pipe dream. I was out of sink and went down the drain. Then I was a pilot, but I didn’t have the right altitude and it turned out to be a fly-by-night operation. I worked in a coal mine, but it was the pits and I got the shaft.
I gained employment at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. I became a statistician, but I got broken down by age, sex and marital status. Finally, I was a Scrabble champion, but I became inconsonant, and I can’t move my vowels anymore.
So I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!