Arrrrr, me swabbies! Avast, me hearties! Ahoy, me seadogs! Blimey, me scallywags!
Schooner or later, it’s Davy Jones’ locker in the briny deep for ye landlubbers. Buckle your
swashes. All hands on deck. Batten down the hatches, lower the boom, and hoist the mainsail.
Shiver me timbers and blow me down.

Take out yer triangular hat (a tricorn), eye patch, brass earrings, shoulder parrot, sword
and scabbard, hook for a hand, and peg for a leg. And remember that your 80 th birthday is your
pirate birthday: “Aye, matey” = “I’m 80!”

September 19 is National Talk Like a Pirate Day. I’m hooked on pirates, so I’ve gathered
together avast treasure trove of my favorite pirate riddles and jokes. Yo ho ho and yo ha ha!
You’ll be dubloon over with laughter.

A slice of apple pie costs $3.00 in Jamaica, $4.00 in Barbados, and $5.00 in the Grand
Cayman. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What does a pair of pirate’s earrings cost? A buccaneer.
What does a pirate pay for his hook and his peg? An arm and a leg.
Where does a pirate go to buy his hook? The secondhand store.
How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they Arrrrr!
What two letters are favorites of pirates? Arrrrr and C.
What are pirates’ favorite subjects in school? Arrrrrt, and Arrrrithmetic.
What kind of grades did the pirate get in school? High Cs.
What four professional sports teams are a pirate’s favorites? The Pittsburgh Pirates, the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Las Vegas Raiders, and the Seattle Seahawks.
What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of military service. The Aaaarmy.
What’s a pirate’s favorite form of transportation? A caaaar.
What’s a pirate’s favorite music? Arrrr and B.
What’s a pirate’s favorite musical instrument? The guitaaaar.
What’s a pirate’s favorite fruit? An aaaarange.
What’s a pirate’s favorite fish? Swordfish.
What are a pirate’s two favorite fast-food restaurants? Aaaarbies and Long John Silver’s.

Peg leg jokes usually stump me, but here are a few of them:
What does a pirate say when his leg gets stuck in deep snow? “Shiver me timbers!”
Where would you find a pirate who has lost his wooden leg? Right where you left him.
What’s the favorite restaurant for peg-legged pirates? The I Hop.

What’s a pirate’s favorite holiday? Aaaarbor Day.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite vegetable? Leeks.
What type of socks do pirates wear? Arrrrrgyle.
Why did the pirate go on vacation? He needed a little arrrrr and arrrrr.
What does a dyslexic pirate say? rrrrrA!
What do you call a pirate ship? Assailing vessel.
What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school? Captain Hooky.
What has eight legs, eight hands, and eight eyes? Eight pirates.
What do you call a pirate with two eyes and all his limbs? A rookie pirate.

How did the pirate call his wife? On his aye phone when it’s not off the hook.
What does a pirate use his cell phone for? Booty calls.
What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.
Why don’t pirates shower before walking the plank? They wash up on shore.
What do you call a pirate’s unsharpened sword? Cutless.
What do pirates wear when it gets really cold? Long Johns.
What would a pirate wear for his Halloween costume? A pumpkin patch.
Why don’t pirates play poker? They always want to stand on the deck.

Someone asked Captain Hook why he wore an eye patch. The pirate replied, “I was out
on deck one day, and a seagull swooped down and pooped on me eye.”
“But that doesn’t explain why you’re wearing an eye patch,” said the questioner.
And Hook replied, “Well, I went to wipe off the seagull’s crud, but I used me wrong
arm.”

***

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in what odrer the
ltteers in a wrod are. The olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses, and you can slitl raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is busease the
hamun mind deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

***

I’ll be performing “Pirates of the Sea” on September 14, 2 pm, at Brookdale, San Marcos;
on September 17, 10 am, at Rancho Bernardo Oasis; on September 18, 10 am, at La Mesa Oasis,
and on September 19, 1:30 pm, at the Remington Club I in Rancho Bernardo.