Frosty the Snowman and his wife live in an icicle built for two in the Snow Belt on the snow banks of Lake Snowbegone. Where they live, it’s so cold that Starbucks serves coffee on a stick! It’s so cold that people have to scrape the ice off their glasses! It’s so cold that if Lady Liberty lived there, she would have to put her torch inside her robe! It’s so cold that pickpockets have their hands in their own pockets! It’s so cold that people jump inside their freezers to warm up! It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering — in the glass! It’s so cold that people have to chisel their dogs off fire hydrants! It’s so cold that when you milk cows, you get ice cream! It’s so cold that people’s shadows freeze on the sidewalk!
Mr. and Mrs. Frosty love to hop on their snowmobiles or b-icicles and go shopping at the grocery store. They enjoy browsing the bins of carrot so they can pick their noses. They also go dancing at snow balls. They send social media messages on the winternet, and message everybody, “Have an ice day!” because they know that snowman is an island. They never blow their cool, go brrrrserk, have a meltdown, give you the cold shoulder, or make you cool your heels and feel left out in the cold. They deposit the profits from their snow jobs and slush fund in their local snow bank.
Frosty’s family loves to belt out songs like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “There’s Snow Place Like Home for the Holidays,” “There Snow Business Like Show Business,” and “Freezer Jolly Good Fellow!” They listen to rappers like LL Cool J, Ice-T, and Ice Cube. They go out to watch ice hockey and the Ice Follies. And they sit in the Z row to watch movies like The Big Chill, Ice Age, Frozen, and The Blizzard of Oz.
Their favorite holiday figure is the Nor’Easter Bunny. They enjoy reading the poetry of Robert Frost and the novels of C.P. Snow and Leo Tolstoy, who wrote War and Frozen Peas. They often travel to Iceland and Chile.
The family’s favorite foods are Frosted Flakes, Ice Krispies, cold cuts, icebrrrgers with chilly sauce, baked Alaska, cold slaw with Cool Ranch dressing, cake with a lot of icing, and snow cones topped with Cool Whip. They wash down each meal with a slushy.
Snowmen, snowwomen, and snowkids live their lives with some disadvantages. They walk around with two black eyes and sticks for arms. They can smell only carrots and taste only coal. They would get cold feet, but they don’t have any feet. Instead, from sitting on the snow for so long, they develop polaroids.
When the Frosty chilled-ren were babies, Frosty and his wife placed a snowmobile over their crib. The kids call their parents Momsicle and Popsicle, and the parents advise the kids to put on their ice caps and snowshoes so they won’t catch cold. If one of the chilled-ren get sick, mom and dad make sure that they take a chill pill.
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DEAR RICHARD: Someone pointed out to me that the word swims upside-down is still swims. I said to myself, “Richard Lederer probably has a list of them.” -Ted Tepstra, Bay Park
These phenomena are called ambigrams (“both writing”). As fate would have it, my fevered brain has compiled such a list: SWIMS (which must be capitalized to qualify), dollop, solos, suns, pod, mow, SOS, SIS, and NOON. Until recently, ZOONOOZ, the name of our Zoological Society’s magazine, was an outstanding example.
Then there are words that, when turned topsy turvy, transmogrify into other words, such as mom / wow!
DEAR RICHARD: Please keep standing up for correct grammar. The prevalence of texting and short messaging has led to sloppy spelling and woeful grammar. When I graded electrical engineering lab reports at SDSU, I always warned my students that their report grades would depend not only on the correct analysis of the data, but also on clear explanations of how that data was collected and interpreted. Electrical Engineers are not exempted from being proficient writers. It was more work for me, but the more conscientious students appreciated and learned from my effort. –Andrew Szeto, Scripps Ranch
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On Thursday, December 14, 2 pm, at the Scripps Ranch Library, 10301 Scripps Lake Drive / 858 538 8158, and Saturday, December 16, 2:30 pm, at the Mission Hills-Hillcrest Library, 215 W. Washington St. / 619 497 1193. I’ll be performing “A Treasury of Christmas Humor.” Because I’m good for nothing, admission is free. I’d love to meet you there.