Welcome to the website woven for wordaholics, logolepts, and verbivores. Carnivores eat meat; herbivores eat plants and vegetables; verbivores devour words. If you are heels over head (as well as head over heels) in love with words, tarry here a while to graze or, perhaps, feast on the English language. Ours is the only language in which you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway and your nose can run and your feet can smell.


Recently I shared with you my favorite epitaphs, both eloquent and humorous. Then I invited my San Diego readers to wing me their original creations. My verbally dexterous and psychically mobile readers, responded with more than 60 epitaphs, the last words in deathly prose, marked by grave humor and deep plots. Unlike pallbearers, they did not “let me down.”

Here are the winners, each of whom will receive a DVD of yours truly in performance.

from Wayne Zucker, Rancho Peñasquitos:

Dick Enberg: “Oh my.”
Shamu: “Show’s over.”
Richard Lederer: “Here lays Richard Lederer. Or should that be Here lies . . .?”

from Robert A, Kaiser, Del Mar:

salesman’s epitaph: “Can you hear me now?”
Donald Trump: “It’s Obama’s fault.”

from Lyn Lake, Carlsbad:

No child of history was I,
I quietly lived and so did die,
In this unremarked spot to lie,
In time forgot.
One day some stranger passing by
May wonder who I was, and why,
And maybe not.

And honorable mention to all:

Sam Snead: “I’ve made my last hole in one.”
Joe Olivarria, Chula Vista

for a computer instructor: “Where’s the Return key?”
– Jack Schuster, El Cajon

  for a sanitation engineer: “My final recycle”
Mark Beck. Coronado

Martin Luther: “Charles V may now kiss my ash!”
-Ed Léon, San Carlos West

for an educator: “Put out the light for a man who spent his life turning them on.”
Kris Auer, Bay Park

for a retired teacher: “The last bell has rung.”
-Joan Bryant, Coronado

Here lies a very strict English teacher,
Good grammar was her strongest point.
She dared correct God and her preacher.
Then she was right, but now she just ain’t.                                                     `
Yolanda Emery, La Mesa

for my husband, who has a terrible habit of driving his car until it runs on fumes:
“He finally ran out of gas.”
Nancy Swanson, Scripps Ranch

Redd Foxx: “It was the big one, Elizabeth.”
– Laura Quigley, Escondido

for Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the NRA:
“No background check at the Pearly Gates”
Dale Rodebaugh, Kensington

 Marilyn Monroe:
Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust –
Here’s to men who admired my legs (and my bust)!
Let’s meet again in that Heavenly Bar –
Where Love trumps Hate –
The true Shangri-la!!
Sue Thorne, Fallbrook

 Here lies Linda, six feet deep.
Have no sorrow, do not weep.
But honor her, if you’re inclined,
By being gentle, grateful, kind.
-Linda P. Hughes, Lakeside

Here lies Edgar Allan Poe,
Author of poems and stories of woe,
No longer lamenting about his lost Lenore,
He’ll never again hear the raven say, “Nevermore”.
Kathy Winder, Clairemont

Here lies Kim Jong Un,
All undone
No god
Rests beneath this sod
-Clive Walden, Carlsbad

for a struggling author: “That’s all she wrote.”
-KT Cameron, Bonita

Here lies old Russ
Thrown under the bus. Let there be no fuss.
Counselor, read the trust.
Russell and Linda McKay, San Diego

Here lies the bride.
It’s too bad she died.
tHere lies the groom.
He too went kaboom.
 -Janet Taylor, Spring Valley

 epitaph for myself: “See? I knew this would happen!”
Lloyd Price, Bonita

for a songwriter: “And that’s the end of that tune!”
Linda Kile, Clairemont