Peter Fitzgerald, of Imperial Beach, shares his take on punning with a Shakespearean twist: “All the world’s a pun and all the men and women merely players with words.” How true. My invitation for you readers to wing me your original puns generated a veritable tsunami of submissions. I’ve placed 20 additional readers’ puns on my website: verbivore,com.
The creators of the three Top Puns below will receive a signed and inscribed copy of my book The Ants Are My Friends.
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Best short pun: Many years ago, Cardiff merged with the City of Encinitas. I thought they should call the new city Carnitas. –Mary Jo Crowley, Vista
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Best long puns:
Lost and Found
Miss Penny Lowphur felt so lost.
For peace and love she went in search,
But when she found the Pentecost,
She gave her life unto the church.
The decades passed … She passed away,
She chose to have her body burned.
We then heard Father Francis say,
“A Penny saved is a Penny urned.”
-Craig Snapp, El Cajon
San Diegans can barley contain themselves when it comes to our local craft beer. Every new beer is a cure for what ales you and causes a real brew-haha as people nearly come to lager-heads as they hop at the chance to quaff up their money for these tap-of-the-line beers. Only the most stout-hearted can avoid fermenting discord as they pint the way to the finest beers from yeast to west. -Dennis Kitchell, Spring Valley
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And honorable mention to all!:
Here’s my verdi franck story: Among my lizst of errands today I need to go chopin, far off en bach. I’ll go to the store where I satie and buy some chai. Kovsky, my pal, Estrina his wife as well, will meet me for some bartok. Hailing from Britten, she is quite a deb, ussy, and he is a pockmarked barber by trade — survivor of many a fouré, where he learned to cope, land-bound or at sea, and sing like a byrd in a cage and dance a neat soft shu. Bert, his cousin, joining in, shu man extraordinaire. You can telemann by his scar, Lotti his sister says. No use haydn. You can get a handel on his very core, Ellie, his aunt, will add. Gotta gounod. I’m off to the gallery, where I’ll see the moz art — but I’ll be bach. -Bill Pease, Rancho Bernardo
She was the apple of his eye, Nothing could com-pear. He was grape-ful to be with her, and said, “We cantaloupe, so we can’t be together” “Honeydew you mind if we slow down,” she said. “I am coconuts about you, but if we persimmon this further, my mother becomes such a dragon fruit. She goes plum bananas. We can fig-ure this out.” –Alan Sako, Pacific Beach
Baseball, the Original Hunger Game, began in the Hot Stove League with Sliders and High Cheese. I was our Table Setter, and later I was Cleanup. Their pitcher kept Nibbling on the corner of the Dish. I knew he threw Gas because he drilled me with a Bean Ball. Next time up I hit a Tater and there was a big Rhubarb.
Sadly my career was just a Cup of Coffee because I hit too many Pop Ups that were a Can Of Corn. I was always hitting the Sweet Spot with Mounds and Baby Ruths. I Choked Up on a Baltimore Chop and ended up in a Pickle. Grand Slam breakfasts with my Catcher in the Rye didn’t help. But I always remembered that you can’t have Pop Fries without the Batter.
Seams I’m now in need of a Screwball as you can’t take this World Serious. Maybe I’ll make it a Double. –John Betlejewski, Pacific Beach
Punny advertisements: Bakery: Donut taste the food. We are eclair about this, so please donut walk away with a glazed look on your face. Electric company: Get amped about our service. Watt you see is watt you get. Boat show: We will wake you up and be stern about it, too. –Chad Griffith, Poway
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On Sunday, May 7, starting at 2 pm, I’ll be offering a benefit performance of “An Afternoon of Language & Laughter” at the Brooks Theater, 217 North Coast Highway in Oceanside; box office 760 433 8900. I’d love to meet you there.
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Additional Entries to My Recent Original Puns Contest
Karen Anderson-Orr, of Tierrasanta, reminisces about the moment she became a devotee of puns: “I was first introduced to puns by Ms Drobnies, my English teacher at Castle Park High School in 1967. She taught an amazing lesson about puns to us tenth graders. We were hooked! The highlight: As the bell rang, she shared happily- “O-pun the door.” I remember that moment (and the teacher!) as if it were yesterday.”
What do you call a 2,000-lb dumpling? Wonton. When Dean Martin saw the eel, he sang, “That’s amore!” What did Chris Tucker of “Friday/Rush Hour” fame yell as he fell into Lake Mead? “Daaaaaaaaam!” -Sandy Cue. Pauma Valley
Though many of us had excellent sword skills, it became clear that if any of us were able to stop the ninjas, it would be Sam or I. Serena Williams could always use ten escorts at her public appearances. If the person who allegedly wrote the Tao Ching never actually did, I would call it a Laozi hoax. –Tim Wilkinson, University City
I laughed myself horse from your recent column and fell for your pun plays hook, line, and stinker. Having just returned home from the hospital from surgery, it was just what the doctor ordered. I had to rein in my sea-sures. My sturgeon doesn’t have much of a bedside manner. When I inquired why it was taking so long to complete the procedure, he told me to get reel and that he was just a slow poki. His only other caviar was that, when it comes to bad physician puns, he likes to keep his patients in stitches. Frankly, they’re just sew-sew. I’ve asked him to be urologist at my funeral, and to have his comments reprinted in the local fish-wrap. –Richard Rachel, University City
Some vintners have a fundamentalist view of winemaking. They adhere to wine orthodoxy and are known as Wine-Os. Their goal is to rid the world of the wine Zinfandels. There is no real Rhine or Riesling to their quest. Their motto is: Que Syrah. After they have raided a heretical winery, they go to the local Brunello in the Malbec of the town square. They dance at the Cabernet, celebrate their Concord Grapes, and hope everything will turn up Rosé. -Charles Tatum, Point Loma
Your latest column is a bard-stormer! Shakespeare certainly knew how to put words into play. He loved to make a scene. That was Will-power! His creations were so Avon-garde, they went global! The Bard probably didn’t think that folks getting historical over his comedies was a tragedy. And surely it was Shakespeare who declared to his critics, “Let he who is without sin stone the first cast!” -Howard Killion, Oceanside
I have a pair of dachshunds, and since I have a paradox, I am trying to make a dachumentary. I took my sick cat to the vet and the doctor gave him a purrscription. Upon hearing the sirens, the two firebugs said, “Wow, they are playing arson.” -Roland Nino Martinez, Chula Vista
What’s the theme song for the International Association of Warlock Wanna-Be’s? “If I Were a Witch Man.” -Tim Winn, Escondido
I have a friend who is enjoying a bucket-list trip to Africa who is posting beautiful pictures of her exotic travel on Facebook every day. I commented that it was amazing she could share her trip even when she was safari away! –Art Hamilton, Marina District
Punctuation daffynitions: punchuation: a pause in a boxing match; asterisk: a donkey offered in a wager; oppostrophe: one opposed to trophies; semicolon: half-assed. –Dick Plush, Solana Beach
What do you call a sea-faring vessel whose crew and passengers are all academics? A scholarship. What do you call a monk whose only job is in the abbey bakery? A holy roller. -George Cavanaugh, Lakeside
Where do young centaurs go for Grades 6-8? Horse-Man Middle School. -Anne Eggertsen, La Mesa
A famous So, Cal. Art museum now offers appointments for facials and massage, Contact: SpaGetty.com. [Pray, GO!] Nobody else was able to join me in putting up tomatoes for future use. That’s OK. I cannelloni. When you, your Senior-Awe (and maybe the Bambi-Nose) are Roman around Little-Eat Alley, we recommend you get pasta rotini houses to “A Pizza de Action.” We are so glad we sausage places — historic beasts rose that inspired Coleridge’s, “Rime of the Ancient Marinara.” (The All-Free-Dough will make you focaccia past white-saws experiences.) The cook, Al Dente, may keep in Cistine that everyone, “Man-jaw! Man-jaw!”, urging diners to ciao down. So, please! Man-jaw ~ don’t be a linguine. Just be sure to wear a big BIB. That way, you get lasagna. Finally, do not miss the famous dessert, named after a particularly demanding owner: Tyranny Sue. -Linda P. Hughes, Lakeside
When the Italian movie editor was asked to remove all the word play and a police pursuit scene from the film, he said, “Atsa easy! It’s-a no-pun and cut chase.” After the animal rights activists camping at Sea World were arrested, their fellow protesters picketed the jail chanting, “We demand freedom, for all in tents and porpoises!” At the press conference for the new Artemis Astronauts, the NASA spokesman was fired for indecency after grossly misinterpreting the “Moon Mission Crew” sign. -Doug Miller, La Jolla
There’s a baker who caters to the handicapped, and takes high pride in his special kneads bread. One year Santa delivered no presents because he was feeling listless. A football coach offered his backup quarterback the chance to play running back, and the quarterback said, “I think I’ll pass.” – Christopher Boyle, Glendale, Arizona
What do you call a fake rabbit’s foot? A faux paw. How do Vikings send secret messages? Norse code. What did the bricklayer say? “We don’t do things because they’re easy, we do them because they’re hod.”-Richard Maheu, San Diego
If you’ve seen one giant multi-store shopping center, you’ve seen a mall. The package just arrived, and now my dog has a new leash on life. –Al Fels, Escondido
Alaska question of you: Is the ball bering strait? –Dan Ostro, Imperial Beach
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he’s aboard. In the same manner, when is a door not a door? When it’s ajar. -Julian “Jay” Stienon, San Marcos