DEAR RICHARD: Whatever happened to grammar teachers? I hope the editors of the Union-Tribune (are there still such animals?) are alert for mistakes like these in signs around the world:
“Toilet Out of Order. Please Use Floor Below.” “Bargain Basement Upstairs.” “Would the Person Who Took the Step Ladder Please Bring It Back or Further Steps Will Be Taken.” “We Can Repair Anything. Please Knock Hard on the Door, as the Doorbell is Broken.” “For Anyone Who Has Children and Doesn’t Know It, There is Day Care on the First Floor.” –Ted Terpstra, Bay Park
A thousand thanks to super blooper snooper Ted Terpstra for sharing his collection of signs of our times. Recently, my family enjoyed a delicious vegan dinner at the Guardian Restaurant downtown. When we entered the establishment, we were greeted by a sign that read: “Please Wait for Hostess to Be Seated.” So we stood around for a while waiting for our hostess to sit down, but she never did.
Restaurants across our fair land display a riotous array of bubble-off-plumb signs. My collection includes “Eat Here and Get Gas.” “Customers Who Consider Our Waitresses Uncivil Ought to See the Manager.” “Special Shoppers’ Luncheon Before 11 a.m. The Early Bird Gets the Worm!” and “Open Seven Days a Week and Weekends.”
Before I sign off, I share more signs that need to be re-signed, sign language with the kind of goofy prose that laughs in the face of logic:
- At a gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
- In a jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
- On an abbey: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. ‑Sisters of Mercy.
- In a dry-cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
- In a dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
- On a movie theater: Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.
- In a maternity ward: No children allowed.
- In a drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
- In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
- In a convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church.
- On a shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
- In a number of parking areas: Trespassers will be violated.
- On a display of “I Love You Only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi‑packs.
- In the window of an appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.
- In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
- In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
- In another clothing store: Men’s wool suits. They won’t last an hour!
- Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
- In a general store window: Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?
- In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
- On a movie marquee: Now Playing: “Adam and Eve” with a cast of thousands!
- In front of a car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time you wash your car.
- On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
One of my favorite categories of loopy sign language is listings that are stacked up into Towers of Babble:
On a farm:
FLOWERS
PRODUCE
EGGS
In the entrance to a camera store:
NO
DOGS
EATING
BICYCLES
On the front of a club:
LIVE LOBSTERS
DANCING NIGHTLY
In a department store:
WE HAVE BUTTON-FLY LEVIS
OPEN TILL 10 TONITE
At a farmers’ market:
GIANT BLUEBERRIES
SQUASH
NATIVE CORN
***
On Saturday, February 4, starting at 2:30 pm, I’ll be presenting “Fascinating Facts About Our Presidents” at the Mission-Hills-Hillcrest Library, 215 W. Washington Street. Free and worth every penny. I hope to meet you there.