Two weeks ago, I challenged my U-T readers to wing me limericks with a Christmas theme. To avoid being blown away by a tsunami of entries from around the globe, I did not post the contest on my website.
How could there be anything betterer
For an avid word-junkie competitor?
No crossword or Jumble
Is worth half the tumble
As a limerick contest from Lederer.
So wrote David Bouck, of Poway. Apparently, many of you agreed because a chorus line of your Christmas limericks cavorted into my e-mail box, so many, in fact, that I am featuring 45 additional submissions here.
Most of your verses were cast in correct meter, unlike this classic limerick:
A decrepit, old gas man named Peter,
While hunting around for the meter,
Struck a leak with his light.
He was blown out of sight —
And as anyone can see by reading this line, he also destroyed the meter!
Judging the twinkle of the humor, the craft of the story building and the dexterity of rhyme and meter, I have selected four champion limericists, each of whom will receive an inscribed and signed copy of my book A Treasury of Christmas Humor.
A Dad from S.D. (Mission Bay)
Sought a bike for his kid’s Christmas Day.
But his hopes turned to ash.
Bitcoin, credit or cash
Couldn’t buy it. ‘Twas stuck off L.A.
-Judith Leggett, Escondido
Oh dear, I have so much to do.
The Grinch, he has sweet Cindy Lou.
While Santa has elves,
We have only ourselves
For sending good wishes to you.
–Diane Rider, Scripps Ranch
There once was a Claus from Nantucket,
Who carried his toys in a bucket.
As the nights they grew colder
And he grew much older,
He thought, “Oh I wish I could truck it.”
-Mark Pankrast, Ramona
This is my first Christmas Lederer:
Three wishes to make our lives betterer:
Omicron needs to vanish.
Politics, please do banish.
And our state needs to get a bit wetterer.
-JoAnn Perez, Lakeside
And Honorable Mention to all:
This year a new Grinch doth lurk,
But his plan to steal Christmas won’t work.
For you’ll hear Santa say,
As he climbs in his sleigh,
“On Pfizer, Moderna and Merck!”
-Todd Robbins, Tierrasanta
The tinsel and lights in a tangle.
The Christmas tree sits at an angle.
The cat has been bad,
But I can’t be mad.
There’s one last glass bulb left to dangle.
-Jennifer Roberts, South Park
At Christmas I feel like the Grinch.
Baking cookies would just make me flinch.
I hate turkey or goose,
So what do I choose?
Eggnog or a toddy’s a cinch.
-Maren Krenz, Spring Valley
Christmas birds all go stork raven mad,
While some wise-quacking ducks become sad.
Some profits they tern.
How to tweet they should learn.
The hens’ practical yolks are so bad.
–Jim Ertner, Kensington
Last Christmas in my driving machine
Non-stop ‘til I got the vaccine.
But this year the crisis
Are Biden’s high prices,
So, Santa, I want gasoline.
–Glenn R. Bernard, Carlsbad
I’m wishing for a Christmas bright
However, it will not be white.
The snow I once knew
Is now overdue.
Without it the day won’t seem right.
-Janet Piatek, Normal Heights
The physicist, famed Stephen Hawking,
Found it incredibly shocking
That Santa kept pace
And brought him from deep space
A black hole in his bright Christmas stocking!
–Douglas Miller, La Jolla
Two travelers were in quite a fix.
All innkeepers just kept saying, “Nix!”
But finally in bed
Mary sniffed. Then she said,
“This smells worse than Ye Olde Motel Six!”
–Gary P Newton, Oceanside
The radar screens lit up with dread.
The soldiers all screamed “We are dead!”
Then NORAD stood down,
And smiles came back round:
‘Twas Santa with Rudolph-towed sled!
-Michael Clark, Escondido
There once was an elf name of Joe
Whose toy making was a bit slow
He just had a need
For smoking some weed—
The happiest elf in the show
-David Langenhorst, Lakeside
The devil plays Santa and laughs
While he’s cutting hung stockings in halfs.
Then sews up each hole
And fills it with coal,
Hangs the bottom half stockings on gaffs.
-Richard Cooley, Pacific Beach
Christmas time once again and we’re achin’
O’er the presents, the tree and the bakin’,
But as years come and go,
It makes sense, you know,
To be giving much more than we’re takin’.
-Alan Iglesias, Escondido
We all know a man named St. Nick.
To know him so well is a kick.
He brings all the toys
To good girls and boys,
But the thought of it makes me quite sick!
-Kathleen LeMieux, Julian
Oh, Christmas tree in the corner,
You brought such joy when we bought ya,
With boughs laced with lights,
Proclaimed through the night
The joy of His kindness forever.
–Dan & Leslie Nielsen, Hidden Trails
Up on the rooftop reindeer pause?
Or does this speak more of their paws?
Is this Santa’s aims
Or mere reindeer games —
A tale of dear Claus or deer claws?
–Jay Mahan, La Mesa
Two angels I knew from Dubai
Drank a bottle of beer, which is why
When they sang o’er the plains,
‘Twas not joyous. Their strains
Made it clear that the angels were high.
-Janed Guymon Casady, San Diego
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
The holiday season is here.
So let’s celebrate.
The parties are great.
And for Auld Lang Syne, shed a tear.
–John Woosley, Linda Vista
I don’t observe Christmas, it’s true
Because I was brought up a Jew.
I honor eight nights,
My latkes delights,
And I get more presents than you!
-Andrea Susan Glass, Oceanside
On Christmas I go eat Chinese,
Instead of just staring at trees.
I’m not into carols,
Gift giving or laurels,
But Szechuan’s what will appease.
-Irving “Jake” Jacoby, University City
The children are ready to nap.
The cat is asleep on my lap.
But the highlights, I’d say,
Of this fine Christmas day
Are the NFL games still on tap
-Mark Lindstrom, La Mesa
No matter the type of your lexicon
Or if you suffer from the Omicron,
Christmas is here
With its holiday cheer —
And it’s almost as fun as our Comic-Con!
-Lesley Hamilton, Ocean Beach
St. Nick was so warm and so pleasant,
He once told me, this poor humble peasant:
“Just forget Christmas past.
Christmas future won’t last.
So simply enjoy Christmas present!”
-Jerry Tubbs, San Marcos
“The stockings were hung by the chimney . . .”
I’m halfway to Limerick, by Jim’ney!
Two feet and a rhyme
About Holiday time . . .
Santa, help! Need a word ends in imney!
-John F. Mortimer, Oak Park
‘Twas a COVID Christmas this year,
And safety for Santa was clear.
After sitting a lot.
He was thankful he got
The shot in his arm, not his rear.
-Brad Davidson, Ocean Hills
Said Santa Claus, “Whoa! whoa! whoa! whoa!
The temperature’s 20 below!
Let’s move to Del Mar
And open a bar,
And let Lederer give it a go!”
-Michael Krsak, Imperial Beach
There once was a babe in a manger,
Who came into this world full of danger.
His message of Peace,
He preached all through the East,
And now He’s no longer a stranger.
-Mike Hood, Carlsbad
A Christmas card sings you a song
That brightens us all season long,
And only you hear
Its sounds of good cheer.
Your heart strings just sing right along!
-Rosemary Watson, Mission Hills
Decorations go up in November
For as long as I can remember,
Then comes Black Friday
Cars packed on the highway
Let’s return to the joy and the splendor!
-John Fredericks, Encinitas
There once was a seer less than wise
Who trailed those three other guys.
They followed a star.
He strayed into a bar,
Missing thus a seraphic surprise.
-Bill Pease, Rancho Bernardo
Every Christmas Eve night as a tot,
Sleep was never a thing that I got.
With my mind fast adrift,
Thoughts of cookies and gifts
Made me eagerly restless and fraught.
-Joel Watson (age 18), Bay Park
Yes, the family did get together.
All I got was this one ugly sweater.
I wanted to barf.
I asked for a scarf.
But at least I’ll be warm in this weather.
–Mary Jo Crowley, Vista
You asked what I want for a present,
I said, “Filch some gin and a pheasant.
And don’t be a jerk.
Just smile at the clerk.
Remember it’s Christmas. Be pleasant!”
–Peter Krumbach, Del Mar
There once was a man from Dubai
Who told all the world he could fly.
But when in Atlanta,
He said he was Santa,
The resounding response was “You lie!”
-Gary Sanborn, Santee
‘Twas a crazy Kris Kringle Christmas,
Stranded on a desolate isthmus.
No reindeer to the rescue.
A navigation miscue.
Rudolph got them all lost in a thick mist.
-Charles Tatum, San Diego
Having gained 50 pounds this year,
Stuck in chimney was Santa’s big fear.
Mrs. Claus exclaimed, “Hubby!
You’ve sure gotten chubby!”
“But now there’s more to love, my Dear.”
–Gina Curry, Allied Gardens
When it comes to delivering gifts quick,
No one does it better than St. Nick. .
From Hawaii to Rome
To your house and my home
No big deal: the world is his bailiwick. .
-Neil Proffitt, Oceanside
Frosty, an amorous snowman,
Finally found a willing wo-man
In a frozen sports bar
But whooping it up in her car
Got too hot, and then he became no-man
–Lloyd Hill, Ocean Beach
Last year Christmas Eve was a fright.
A storm came and darkened the night!
But Rudolph would know
The right way to go.
His nose would provide all the light.
-Phil Pryde, San Diego
Old Santa is here, they all said.
We found him asleep in our bed.
A bottle of booze
He took ‘fore his snooze,
Mistaking our bed for his sled.
-Walter Besecker, Bay Park
Santa’s elf met me on a blind date.
He said he’d be an ideal mate.
But my name on a list
Quickly ended our tryst
Because “naughty,” it seems, is my fate!
-Rachel Newton, Oceanside
As Christmas nears and we all wait
For the most recent infection rate.
We can all be sure
There will be a cure—
With needle and mask, not debate.
-Cliff Knight, Scripps Ranch
All year long at the North Pole
(Thank goodness for small ozone hole)
Elves make wonderful toys
For the good girls and boys
But the bad ones get stockings with coal.
-Tom McKievick, Chula Vista
There once was a Kris name of Kringle.
The bells on his sleigh went jingle.
He comes to your house,
Not disturbing a mouse
And certainly never will mingle.
–Yvonne Sherman, Pacific Beach
He was born to redeem all on earth,
And we praise His miraculous birth,
We pray on this day:
May we follow His way,
In this season of laughter and mirth.
-Gary A. Apger, Carmel Valley
Reprieve from infernal damnation,
Is the gift of eternal salvation,
Which He gave to this earth,
With Immaculate birth
And the reason for our exultation!
-Tom Schade, Carmel Valley
Sitting here on my three-legged stool,
I’ve been writing my tribute to Yule.
It may not be so hot,
But it’s all that I’ve got,
So I think sharing it would be cool.
-Arne Christiansen, Valley Center
For many years I’d always see
A living, breathing Christmas tree.
But now that I’m old
And can’t stand the cold,
Only artificial ones are for me.
-Bill Halloran, Rancho Bernardo
It only took a red suit
Hauling toys down the chute
To change kids’ behavior
To honor our savior
And act like they do give a hoot.
–Christopher Boyle, Glendale, AZ
The night should be silent and still
In the season of peace and good will.
But strife and bad feeling
Seem somehow appealing
To those up on Capitol Hill.
-Doug Harris, England, UK
A young couple who lived on the Isthmus
Strongly wanted to church go at Christmas.
But he was RC,
And she, C of E,
And they argued so much that they missed Mass.
-Dr. Bob Turvey, England, UK