May is Older Americans Month. This formal recognition of the chronologically gifted began with President John F. Kennedy in 1963, when he designated May as Senior Citizens Month. Back then, only 17 million Americans reached their 65th birthday. Today more than 40 million of us are alive and living vibrant years.
Fullness of years makes for fullness of life. For one thing, you’re surrounded by a lot of friends: As soon as you wake up, Will Power is there to help you get out of bed. Then you go and visit John. When you play golf, Charley Horse shows up to be your partner. As soon as he leaves, along come Arthur Ritis and his six aunts — Aunt Acid, Auntie Pain, Auntie Oxidant, Auntie Biotic, Auntie Coagulant and Auntie Inflammatory — and you go the rest of the day from joint to joint. After such a busy day, you’re Petered and Tuckered out and glad to go to bed — with Ben Gay, of course!
Another benefit of great maturity is that you’re worth a fortune. You have silver in your hair, gold in your teeth, stones in your kidneys, lead in your feet, mineral deposits in your joints and natural gas in your stomach.
Here’s another medical fact (and I’m not making this up): Studies show that one’s body temperature declines from decade to decade and that the drop becomes particularly pronounced in the elderly. Therefore, old folks are the coolest people on earth.
But wait! There’s more — many more advantages to attaining old age:
- You’ve reached the third age of man (and woman) — youth, maturity and “you’re looking wonderful!” And you can’t look wonderful for your age until you’ve grown old.
- You are the age you are, but you are also all the ages you have been.
- At class reunions you feel younger than everybody else looks.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
- Whatever you buy now won’t wear out.
- Thanks to acid reflux, you can eat your cake and have it too.
- You tolerate pain better than younger people because you know that pain is better than no sensation at all.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- You can wrap your own Christmas presents and hide your own Easter eggs.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- You can sing in the bathroom while brushing your teeth.
- You can say, “When I was your age . . .” to more and more people.
- If you are taken hostage, you will be among the first to be released.
- Your schedule is marvelously flexible. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m., and you don’t have a bedtime.
- Senior discounts.
- You can brazenly spoil the grandkids and then send them back home to the common enemy.
- No more zits, no more pregnancy scares; no more Phys Ed, ugly gym uniforms, Algebra, diagramming sentences, pop quizzes, final exams, SATs, study halls or detentions.
- Fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- The speed limit is no longer a challenge to you.
- Your joints are now more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- If you do something naughty, nobody calls your parents.
- You no longer have to spend big bucks to get your teeth whitened.
- Nobody expects you to run into a burning building.
- All those things you couldn’t have as a youth you no longer want.
- Your ears and nose may be growing bigger, your skin may be wrinkling and your nose and chin may be sprouting hair, but your failing eyesight doesn’t record any of those changes. And you’re no longer able to see the numbers on your bathroom scale.
- You feel righteous because memory loss passes for a clear conscience.
- The older you get, the better you were!
- It’s such a nice change from being young.
- You are in possession of a gift that so many others have been denied.